This Slide of Parodize
by Jason Gaston
Summary: A parody that pokes fun at the episode, "This Slide of Paradise"


This Slide of Parodize 

This Slide of Parodize   
A Parody of 'This Slide of Paradise"   
by Jason Gaston

_Welcome to the final 3rd season Maggie episode left to parodize. "This Slide of Paradise" was the third season finale and, if FOX would have gotten their way, the Sliders series finale. "TSoP" was the absolute lowest that Sliders sank to. It was a two-bit rip-off of 'The Island of Dr. Moreau', the dialogue was campier than ever, and characterization was in the gutter... perfect breeding ground for satire, huh? _

"The Slide of Parodize" is based on the Sliders episode "This Slide of Paradise" written by Nan Hagan. Don't forget that name: Nan Hagan. If you are walking around the streets of Los Angeles some time just ask random people, "Are you Nan Hagan?" If you get a 'yes', BEAT THIS MAN SENSELESS!!! 

Also, Sliders is the property of Universal/Saint Claire and the Sci-Fi Channel, but not FOX since they're a bunch of hopeless hack jobs who are worried that the WB! and UPN might actually BEAT them one day. This document may be freely distributed amongst yourselves under the condition that it not be altered or sold. 

This is not the last episode parody I'm going to do. There are sooooo many bad 3rd season episodes out there: "Electric Acid Twister Test", "The Last of Eden", and "Paradise Lost" comes screaming to mind. Enjoy!

* * *

Above the frothy ocean the wormhole dropped the sliders into icy waters. The foursome splashed wildly and finally managed to make it to a nearby beach. "THAT," Wade grumbled, "was the most OVERT attempt the writers have ever made to put Maggie in a wet T-shirt!" 

Maggie had to agree. "Hey, if you got 'em, flaunt 'em!" 

"That water sure was cold," Quinn said looking at Maggie's chest. Maggie heard that and whirled towards him. Her ample bosom caught up with her a few seconds later and Quinn had to duck or loose his head. "Careful!" Quinn yelped. "You could poke a eye out with those things!" 

Maggie huffed as they made their way into the heavily wooded interior of the island for some reason. "I hate wearing wet clothes," she moaned. "What am I supposed to wear while my clothes are drying?" 

Quinn started to respond, but Wade cupped her hand over his mouth. "Keep it holstered, Tex," Wade ordered. "It looks like we're on an island... a whole chain of islands by the look of things. Looks like California was hit by the big one." 

Maggie looked defensive. 

"No, Maggie!" Wade growled. "I said THE big one, not the big ONES!" 

Suddenly, there was a low and menacing growl. The sliders thought nothing of it until Rembrandt realized that the professor wasn't on the show anymore. "What the hell was that?" 

"Sounded like some kind of an animal," Quinn observed. 

From the distance, a human-like creature could be seen lurking in the bushes. "I wonder if it's friendly," Maggie wondered aloud. 

"Why don't you stay here and find out?" Wade called out as she, Rembrandt, and Quinn ran away. 

"Good puppy... nice puppy," Maggie said holding out her hand. 

Suddenly, the animal attacked. From a distance, Quinn reacted in horror from the sounds of growls and flesh ripping. Then there was silence and Maggie walked out of the thicket unharmed. 

"Maggie?" Wade reacted in disbelief. "What? How? Why?" 

"That puppy was mean," Maggie simply said. 

Quinn grabbed her. "Maggie, how'd you get away." 

"I gave it silicone poisoning," she revealed showing a puncture wound." 

"So what was that thing?" Rembrandt asked again. "It looked like a man." 

"An ugly man," Quinn added. 

Maggie sneered. "Lyle Lovett." 

Suddenly, a little hairy guy jumped out of a trees and onto Quinn's back. Quinn yelped, threw the thing onto the ground, and bashed it's head in with a nearby rock. "WHAT IS THIS THING!?" Quinn demanded. 

"Looks like something from a science fiction movie," Rembrandt told him. "You know, The Island of Doctor What's-His-Face." 

"Come on," Wade said, "I don't what to be here..." 

"...when it wakes up?" Quinn asked finishing her sentence. 

"No," Wade answered, "I just don't want to be here. On this show. With THAT woman!" 

Elsewhere on the island, one of those manimal things enjoyed a drink from a stagnant pool when a dark figure approached from the overgrowth. It was Rickman looking like a rejected extra from _The Howling_. Slowly, he readied his needle and sucked out the other creatures brains and injected it into himself causing his face and the trees behind him to morph making Rickman look even more animal-like. "I feel like chasing a car," Rickman mumbled to himself as he walked back into the forest and into a encampment of more of those manimal things where he was met by a gentlemen who resembled Simba from _The Lion King_. 

"When do we attack!?" Rickman demanded. 

"We don't," Simba growled, "The master has guns and we don't! Even if we could get in, we... RICKMAN! STOP LICKING YOURSELF!" 

"Sorry," Rickman meekly said. "It's this whole... being an animal thing. It just felt natural." 

Simba nodded and understood. 

Suddenly, another manimal joined them. "Rahr ruff arf grrrrr grahr woof grarrrrrr woof!" 

"Really?" Simba exclaimed in surprise. "It seems there's been a fight between humans and our people!" 

"The master?" 

"No... others. Two male, one female, one pinup." 

"Sssssssssssliders," Rickman smirked. 

Meanwhile, as the Sliders navigated the lush jungle, more animal men rained down on Quinn who effortlessly threw them off as if they were nothing. "This is getting monotonous," Quinn said smacking another diminutive monster thingy off his back. 

"We need to find a place to lay low," Rembrandt suggested as another manimal pounced on Quinn. 

"No, no, no," Maggie protested as Quinn threw the creature off a cliff, "We need to find Rickman." 

"Actually," Wade said as another monster attached himself to Quinn's leg, "I think we should see if Quinn's cologne is attracting potential mates." 

At that moment, a dart hit the creature humping Quinn's leg and it fell to the ground unconscious. The slider's eyes zeroed in on the same location and saw a strange woman with a weird hairdo holding a tranquilizer gun. "Don't worry, I won't hurt you," she purred, "Come with me, I'll take you to the compound where you'll be safe from the Hybrids." 

"Hybrids," Wade repeated. "Is that what those things jumping on Quinn were?" 

"Yeah, it's what we all are," the lady replied. "We're genetic mixtures of human and animals. For example, I'm a mixture of a human and a housecat... you can call me Mittens." 

As the sliders and Mittens made their way to the mysterious compound and the equally mysterious master, Mittens tripped and fell to the ground with a sharp "ME-OWWW!" 

With that, yet another hybrid in a red shirt leaped out of the jungle and onto Quinn's back. "Why don't you guys jump on SOMEONE ELSE for a change!?" Quinn howled. 

Maggie quickly took the tranquilizer gun and fired it hitting Quinn on the butt. 

"Oooooooooo... sleepy time," Quinn tranquilly said as he passed out on the jungle floor. 

Maggie fired again and this time, she hit the right target. 

Rembrandt picked Quinn up and all five of them soon found themselves at the compound gates. "Hey, has anyone seen the timer?" Rembrandt asked. 

"We must have dropped it," Wade surmised. "Must be the story hook. You know, like that dinosaur episode we did." 

"Dinoslide?" Maggie asked. 

"No, the first one." 

Rembrandt dropped Quinn when they reached the gate which woke him up. He stood and banged on the fence which threw him backwards with a powerful electric jolt. 

"Careful," Mittens cautioned. "The gate is electric." 

At this time, a baboon-man opened the gate and let them all inside. "Oh, Bobo," Mittens sighed in relief as twenty hybrids piled on Quinn in the background. "I'm so glad you're here!" 

"Yes, we all are," a mysterious voice answered as Quinn finished throwing all of the hybrids off of him. "But tell me, who are these people, Mittens?" 

"We're sliders," Quinn answered him. "And we dropped our timer out there in the jungle and, if you don't mind, we'd like some guns so we can go looking for it." 

"Really," the master said, "...and would you like fries with that? Oh, where are my manners. My name is York... Michael York." 

"Whatever," Wade replied. "Listen, these hybrids... what - or should I say who - made them?" 

"Why, I did!" Michael York explained. "Come into my super-duper top secret lab and I'll show you." 

Out in the jungle, Rickman found the timer which is really the only important thing he does for a while, so let's not dwell on it. 

Back in the compound lab, Michael York opened the door and saw his lab was in shambles. "DeeDee!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, "How many times do I have to tell you to stay out of my lah-bore-ah-tory!" He looked at the sliders. "Oh, right... you're still here. Listen, I make the hybrids by mixing my DNA with animals." 

Maggie snickered. 

"What's so funny?" Michael York demanded. 

"Nothing, nothing," Maggie answered. 

"Like I said, I mix my DNA with animals and..." 

Maggie and Quinn began laughing. 

Michael York bristled. "Now what is so funny about me impregnating wild animals with my DNA?" 

All the sliders began to bust up laughing and Mittens and Bobo had to join in as well. After an hour, they stopped. "We're sorry, Michael York," Quinn apologized. "Please go on with your story but skip the bestiality part." 

"Very well," Michael York said, "although it was my favorite part. As I said, I make the hybrids out of my own DNA so I can make the perfect human... one who will look different and be shunned at every turn. Here, let me show you my latest, greatest creation." He pulled a sheet away from the wall revealing a cage. "The FIVE-ASSED MONKEY!" 

"Uhmmmm," the monkey replied. 

"Say something for our guests," Michael York said to the monkey. 

The monkey struggled with the words. "K-Kiss... muh-muh-muh... my... ah..." 

"Uh, that's good enough!" Michael York said placing his hand over the monkey's mouth. 

Quickly, the monkey bit down severing a digit on Michael York's hand. 

"Ow!" Michael York screamed. "That was my favorite pinkie!" He grabbed a stick and started hitting the monkey with it. "Bad monkey! Bad monkey! Respect my authori-tah!" 

"So," Michael York said turning his attention to the sliders. "Why don't you follow Bobo to your rooms where you can get a good night's sleep." 

The sliders filtered out as Michael York eyed a donkey in a nearby cage and began loosening his pants. 

A few minutes later, Rembrandt was relaxing in his room when Mittens slinked to his beside. "You must leave the compound now," Mittens warned him. "Bobo thinks that Michael York is planning something terrible, but before you go, I want to say that I like you." She began rubbing his legs, clawing his furniture, shedding on his clothing, and sticking her ass in his face. "This is how cat people say I care," she purred. 

Soon, the sliders were outside. "Here's a gun," Bobo said handing Quinn the weapon. "Be careful, the hybrids like to attack from above." 

"No kidding," Quinn sarcastically replied. 

Mittens and Bobo watched the sliders stroll into the forest. "How long do you have in the office pool?" Bobo asked Mittens. 

"Two hours to die, three months to cancellation," she told him. 

In a cave elsewhere on the island, Rickman, Simba, and more of the evil hybrids were looking at the timer that Rickman had found. 

"Why do you need that!?" Simba demanded, "It's just like the one YOU have." 

"If it breaks, I'll have a spare," Rickman sighed. 

"You mean, WE will have a spare! I'm coming with you!" 

"Right," Rickman smirked rolling his eyes, "You'll blend right in." 

"Laugh if you want," Simba growled. "When I am released on other parallel dimensions, I will create an age of carnage unseen since... RICKMAN!!! Stop humping my leg!" 

"Sorry," Rickman meekly apologized. 

Another hybrid jumped into the shot and reported to Simba. "Mooo mooo mooo moo moo." 

"Excellent," Simba smiled. "The sliders have left Michael York's compound!" 

"Is the trap set?" Rickman asked in anticipation. 

Simba nodded and he and the other hybrids ran outside to watch the action. 

In the meantime, the sliders were walking along looking for their misplaced timer. Soon, Maggie's attention was grabbed by something. "Ooooooo shiny!" she said as she walked towards it in a trance-like state. 

"No, Maggie!" Quinn yelled, "It's a..." 

A giant net fell on everyone but Rembrandt. 

"...trap," Quinn finished. "Rembrandt, go back to the compound and get help from Michael York!" 

Rembrandt nodded and ran away as Simba and Rickman showed up. "Hello, Maggie," Rickman gloated. 

"Shiny, shiny, shiny..." Maggie said playing with the silver spoon Rickman had used for bait. 

He snatched it away and Maggie snapped to attention. "RICKMAN! Have you done something different to your hair?" 

"I've changed, Maggie," Rickman told her. "I would have been just fine if you had let me be!" 

Maggie spit in Rickman's face and he licked it off. "Mmmm... bubble gum," he whispered. 

Meanwhile, Rembrandt got back to the compound and Bobo let him back in. "Why'd you come back? I almost won the office pool!" 

"Where's Mittens?" Rembrandt asked. 

"Inside," Bobo replied. "Recovering." 

Rembrandt pushed him out of the way and ran to Mitten's room where she was lying on clean laundry weeping, a nearby ball of yarn went unplayed with. "What'd Michael York do to you?" Rembrandt demanded. 

"He... didn't clean my litter box!" Mittens cried. 

"_Use the force, Rembrandt_," a disembodied voice called out. 

Remmy looked around why comforting Mittens. "Who the hell is that?" 

"_It's Quinn_!" the disembodied voice replied, "_Look... do what I'd do if a villain messes with your chick_!" 

"Run in brimming with anger and testosterone into the villain's hideout with no plan whatsoever and hope, in some lame and musclehead way, that you somehow beat him?" 

"_Exacamundo_," Quinn answered as his voice faded away. 

Within moments, Rembrandt was in Michael York's lab and yelling at Michael York. "Michael York," he said, "I don't know who the hell you think you are, but I'm about to bust a cap in your ass!" 

"I think not," Michael York grinned as he leveled a gun at the crying man. 

"Oooookay," Rembrandt said cursing the day he ever listened to Quinn's disembodied voice. "Look, Michael York... sir. All I need are some guns so I can free my friends who were taken prisoner by the hybrids in the jungle." 

"Great!" Michael York said jumping up and down clapping his hands in glee. "I'll give you the guns if you.. uh... _mix_ your DNA with some of my animals." 

"Forget you!" Rembrandt said, his stomach churning. 

"Fine," Michael York said grabbing Mittens and holding a gun to her head. "Either you do as I ask or I kill Mittens... nine times if necessary!" 

"Guns first, then bestiality," Rembrandt negotiated. 

Michael York smiled winking at a chimp in a nearby cage.. "Very well, Mr. Brown. Saving the best for last, eh?" 

In the hybrid's cave, the sliders were being held in cages and were all fast asleep. Rickman walked in and began caressing Maggie's face. "Oh, Bobby...," Maggie moaned half-asleep. "How soon until your wife gets home?" Suddenly, she awoke with a start. "Get your paw offa me! I do have standards, you know." 

"What?" Wade said from the next cage, "Human and breathing?" 

"Well... human at least," Maggie replied. 

"I used to love to watch you sleep," Rickman told Maggie. 

Quinn and Wade looked shocked. 

"What?" Rickman said. "You mean Maggie never told you that we bumped pelvises? That we did the mattress mambo? ...the horizontal bop? ...boinked our brains out?" 

Wade grew ill. 

"...that we exchanged fluids? ...did the nasty?" 

"We get the picture," Quinn said sorry that he did get the picture at all." 

"...got jiggy with it? ...rode the bone rollercoaster?" 

"ENOUGH!" Every human and hybrid in the caves called out. 

Maggie glared into Rickman's face. "Sleeping with you was the biggest mistake I ever made." 

Rickman's left eyebrow (the more evil of the pair) arched. "Really, you seemed to enjoy it at the time. Remember behind the furnace in the commissary." 

Maggie giggled. "...and on top of the barack's roof?" 

"...and under the storeroom stairs?" Rickman grinned. 

Maggie exhaled lustfully. "...and that night... on that mountain... when we were being chased by that tyrannosaurus rex?" 

Rickman was confused. "That wasn't me!" 

Quinn cleared his throat. "Uh... Look, to completely change the subject... what are you planning to do to us, Rickman?" 

"What do you think?" Rickman said taking out his needle and jabbing it into Maggie's head. After a while, Rickman gave up looking for Maggie's brain and walked over to Wade's cage. "All right, I'll suck out your brain instead. At least you have one!" 

"HEY!" Maggie protested. 

"Rickman!" Simba yelled from the cave entrance. "Michael York is here." 

"Here?" Rickman repeated. 

"No," Simba replied. "I meant "here" as in "out there". Metaphorically speaking of course." 

"Ah," Rickman growled tossing Wade back into the cage. "Let's go give Michael York a proper welcome." 

Rickman and Simba made their way outside where Michael York and Bobo were holding all of the other hybrids at bay with tranquilizer guns. 

"I've come for the sliders," Michael York told Rickman. "especially Maggie. I want to use her to combine silicone with a chimpanzee." 

Rickman considered that. "Chimplants, huh? Well, it's an interesting offer, but I'm this close to scoring with Maggie again and I don't want to blow my last chance with a human woman." 

"Oh," Michael York said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "They're overrated." He paused. "You were about to have sex with Maggie... looking like the shaggy dog?" 

"Yeah," Rickman said, "You don't know Maggie that well." 

"Interesting," Michael York admitted, "but inconsequential. I must leave now but don't follow me for I will shoot you with my..." 

"You're out of darts," Bobo told him. 

Michael York sighed. "Well, Bobo... do YOU have any darts?" 

Bobo nodded. 

"Give them to me," Michael York demanded taking the gun from him. "Now, I'm going to escape and I want you to stay here and hold them off." 

"I could do it a lot better if I had the dart gun," Bobo reasoned. 

Michael York snorted. "I have no interest in your logic. Now stay! Stay, boy! Stay!" 

Michael York ran away as the other hybrids beat up Bobo and gave him dry shampoos before ripping him limb from limb and eating him. 

Meanwhile, while all this was going on, Rembrandt snuck into the cave and freed the other sliders. Quinn grabbed both his timer and Rickman's timer before running faster than a live chicken through Dom DeLuise's kitchen. 

When Rickman returned from monkey-brunch, he was pissed pretty bad at the fact that the sliders took his timer and he decided to round up the other hybrids to have the sliders for dessert. 

As the sliders made their way through the jungle, Rembrandt decided to run back to the mansion to rescue Mittens and beat the crap out of Michael York. 

At the mansion, he found Mittens caged like wild animal, but before he could save her, Michael York appeared holding a gun and a sheep by a leash. "Ah, Mister Brown," Michael York said, "I've been expecting you. This is Fluffy... I think she likes you." 

At that moment, alarms went off. "The hybrids!" Michael York exclaimed, "They're breaking into my lab! I must stop them!" 

After he ran off, Mittens untied Rembrandt. "Come with me," Rembrandt pleaded. "You can become a slider and..." 

Mittens coughed up a hairball in his lap and he reacted in disgust. "On second thought, don't call us... we'll call you." And, with that, Rembrandt ran away to join the other sliders. 

Michael York met Rickman and Simba at the door. "Just who the hell do you think you are? I'm Michael York! I'm the creator! I created you all!" 

"Where are the sliders!?" Rickman demanded. 

"They must have escaped to the cliffs!" Simba figured. "You must follow them and get their time so that we can... RICKMAN! Stop sniffing my butt!" 

"Sorry," Rickman meekly answered. "I tell you what. I'll go kill the sliders, you stay here and kill Michael York." 

"Sounds like a plan," Simba grinned as he began slashing at Michael York. 

"You can't do this, Simba!" Michael York yelled. 

"Oh, I think I can," Simba disagreed as he tore Michael York's head off, "You see, Michael York, we are all connected in the great circle of life..." 

At the cliffs, Maggie decided to make her move and make the final moments of the third season even more disgusting. "Quinn, I'm hot for you... take me right here and right now... on this cliff!" She began to disrobe when Rembrandt showed up. 

"Great!" Wade exclaimed. "Rembrandt's here and we've got our timer back." She shoved the old timer into Maggie's stomach. "Here... you take our old timer and you can find a home in some other dimension." She walked off and clicked her heals together singing "Ding dong the witch is dead..." 

Quinn activated Rickman's timer and created the vortex to Earth Prime. "Well, looks like this is it," Rembrandt said shaking Maggie's hand. "I've been wanting to do this all season and this is my last chance. HONK! HONK!" 

Maggie slapped him. 

"Maggie," Wade began, "I just wanted to say something poignant that solidified our friendship in some way but then I got a better idea...," she shook Maggie's hand. "Maggie, go fuck yourself!" 

"Oooo, kinky," Maggie said licking her lips. 

Suddenly, there was a ruckus in the jungle and Rickman and twenty other hybrids emerged from the cliffs. 

"You guys need to slide, now!" Quinn said pushing Wade and Remmy to the wormhole. 

"Not without you!" Rembrandt protested. 

"Dammit," Maggie yelled turning towards them, "Quinn said go!" It was then that Wade and Rembrandt were struck by Maggie's enormous boobies and were knocked into the vortex. 

Rickman saw the wormhole and panicked, "Nooooo! Not without me!" He then ran towards the vortex which closed before he reached it sending him plummeting off the cliff. "I regret nothiiiiiiing!" he screamed right before he hit the ground below in a little puff of smoke. 

Simba and the other hybrids began laughing at Rickman's misfortune as Quinn and Maggie scurried into the jungle. "Here, you take this and track Wade and Remmy's wormhole and go home," Maggie said shoving the timer in Quinn's hand. "I'll just stay here on this island full of...," she licked her lips, "wild... untamed... ANIMALS!" 

Quinn grabbed her arm before he could get away. "No, you're coming with me. I have a confession to make.... back on Earth Prime when you started choking, it wasn't the atmosphere... I... uh... farted." 

Quinn activated the wormhole and after a quickie, both he and Maggie leaped inside... 

...and emerged on a cartoon world were homes were built on high platforms, "Where the hell are we now!?" Maggie demanded. 

Quinn watched a man on a treadmill yelling "JANE!!! Stop this crazy thing!!!" 

"We... must have landed in the future!" 

Suddenly, there was a blinding light and Rembrandt and Wade faded into existence. Then, an angel descended wearing a Sci-Fi channel logo. "Hellooooo," the angle said, "The devil network has canceled you, but Sci-Fi has picked you up for another season. Now, which of you is the annoying little slut with oversized guzongas?" 

"Why?" Maggie asked. 

The angle unsheathed a flaming sword. "Oh... nothing." 

Maggie pointed at Wade who disappeared in a puff of smoke. 

"Maggie, that wasn't nice!" Rembrandt protested. 

"Oh, YOU'RE Maggie!" The angle said biting her thumb. "Oh dear... well, Wade's been picked up by "Sports Night", so I guess you'll have to do. I tell you what, let me give you something that might help you, my dear." The angel handed Maggie a jar and disappeared. 

"What's in the jar, Maggs?" Quinn inquired. 

Maggie unscrewed it and held up a lump of gray material. "It's a brain!" 

"Great!" Rembrandt smiled. "Who did it belong to?" 

Maggie squinted at the small print. "Abby... Abby... something or other." 

THE END 

Sliders won't be seen next week so that we can bring you the special FOX movie of the week: DENNIS THE PHANTOM MENACE! 

**Dennis:**
Oh, mister Wilson! 

**Mr. Wilson:**
What do you want!? 

**Dennis: **
[Holds up his fist and chokes Mr. Wilson from across the yard as the Imperial March plays.] 


End file.
